Relationships are hard. Marriage is harder...and BOTH are worth the effort. Love is always worth the effort. So why then do things seem to turn so nasty during a break-up and even worse during a divorce? Where did the love go? Where did the kindness go? Where did mutual respect go? Where did even common sense go? Recently going through a divorce it was so troubling for me to see that, 14 years of marriage, 16 years together, came down to a conversation of "things", specifically the division of things. Though I knew this conversation was inevitable, I was taken by surprise at how disturbing of an experience it would prove to be. As we sat in the dining room of our now up-for-sale home, discussing and listing items for our 50/50 "valuables and assets" split, I knew we were in trouble when we were only on item #7 out of 42 and the only thing we had agreed on is that we didn't agree on anything! It went something like this:"Well I get that for sure." Him.
"Well why, if you are taking the boat?" Me.
"Because we bought the BBQ for me." Him.
"Ok, then I'll take the camping stuff instead." Me.
"But you gave me the camping stove for my birthday and it goes with all the other camping stuff (he really said this, as if random camping stuff is a "matched" set...WHATEV)." Him.
"Ok, you can have the camping stuff and I'll take the fire pit." Me. "Well that's not fair." Him.
"How is that not fair?" Me.
"Well...you can't even move it by yourself anyway (it's a huge brick and granite thing)." Him.
"I'll figure that out. I'd like to have the fire pit." Me. "Well if you get the fire pit then I get the brown patio furniture and the hammock with the hammock stand and you can have the green patio furniture." Him.
"Why? The green patio furniture is old!" Me.
And so it continued like this, on and on, getting nowhere. At the end of items 1-7, I got one item! An old patio set. Then item #8, a toaster:
"I want the toaster." Him (CLEAR by now that, not only did he WANT everything, but he somehow felt entitled to everything...I guess as payback for me leaving him).
"Well, I just bought that toaster, picked it out specifically because it could toast bagels and also an oven below. I'd really like to keep it since I bought it." Me. "Oh, so I guess you think you get everything in the kitchen?!" Him.
"Um, no, just the toaster..." Me.
I then realized how completely hideous and oddly hysterical it was that we were negotiating over a toaster. A TOASTER! A toaster, ironically in fact, was the first item we ever bought together 14 years earlier...and now, here we were, bartering over one. I stepped back, and his blood boiling in true "him" fashion, I said:
"How about you just go down the list and put an "x" next to all the things you feel strongly that you want and I'll just take the rest." Me.
I was DONE! I'm a lover not a fighter - not to be mistaken for being weak, that I am not. Some things are worth the energy to fight for...others are not. My son Tanner was worth fighting for. And so, it was in that "toaster" moment that I realized how little, truly, "things" reeeeaaaaalllly matter. Sure, things are nice. Really nice. Everyone knows I love me some shoes, and furnishings given that I was an interior design major in college. But when the "things" in your life start to overrule the "people" in your life, and start to cloud your better judgment, then it's time to cut the binding ties of things and get back to the basics. Back to what is really important and ultimately fulfilling...and it is NOT in a Nordstrom shopping bag or in a leather chaise. So I walked away, said goodbye to about 95% of all our things (and about 99.99999% of our assets value)...and I have never been happier! Sitting in an empty house in our new place, just me and my son Tanner, some artwork, a piano, a queen mattress, a bed I picked up for Tanner on Craigslist one day before, and two of our four dogs, I was, strangely, inexplicably, at peace. There are not words to express the amazingness of that moment. White walls. White mattress. White comforter. White sheets. White pillows. Pure peace. Soul changing peace. Looking around my new room with bare walls, bare windows, no bed-frame yet and thinking back to the beautiful leather and walnut sleigh-bed that I had bought only a year ago that I admittedly broken-heartedly, gave-in to letting him keep...I have never been more satisfied with just a mattress on the floor and have NEVER felt more at home.
Since then, slowly, each paycheck I have started to rebuild, replace, reinvest in things and my absolute appreciation of each of these newly acquired things is a BONUS lesson. I will say that it has been surprising how expensive it is to replace a houseful of items (especially 14 years of stuff)...towels, bedding, dishes, silverware, blender, broom, mop, kitchen utensils, knives, cheese grater, can opener, blankets, trash cans, a couch, curtains for every room, DVD player, bookcases...the list goes on and on. Additionally, have you ever tried to replace a pantry and a fridge of food - ain't cheap (spices, syrup, condiments, plus all the perishables, etc. adds up quickly). I actually took pictures of the pantry and the fridge after our first shopping trip, $400 later, the pantry and fridge were still pretty empty, but that moment symbolized a new start, a fresh start and I wanted to remember it forever. I remember making my original list after moving in of the things above that I needed to buy and feeling very overwhelmed, but then reflected back to the first few nights that my son Tanner and I spent in a nearly empty room with just a mattress, a comforter and two pillows with music playing...and the peace, oh the peace! There is a freedom that comes from that kind of peace. I am so deeply grateful for this lesson in my life. The first thing I purchased on my first shopping trip? Yep, you guessed it, a toaster...and toast never tasted so good.
